Day 83 ❦ Give Simply, Simply Give

Day 83 ❦ Give Simply, Simply Give

The Gift: Salt Water Taffy

I am still reeling from the rejection yesterday. I have to remind myself every moment to breathe and be present, but at least I didn’t have to fight myself to get out of bed this morning. But I am going to go easy on myself today. My heart is devastated and I am questioning everything about myself, but I am going to get through this, and today I am going to give. Something. Anything.

Over the course of the 100 Days of Giving exercise I have accumulated items that I have either picked up or were given that are items that would be better if gifted to someone else so I get a very pretty box with a pretty top and have set up a “gift box” for just such an occasion as today. It is actually kind of fun to go to the box, which I haven’t looked through for a few weeks, to see if there is something in there which could be a simple give. Right on top is a deliciously tempting box of salt water taffy...yummmm...one of my childhood favorites!  I loved going to the beach on the East Coast and after a long hot sunny day eating my fill of salt water taffy, I especially loved the licorice taffy and could eat buckets full of it!!!

But as a result of that kind of indulgence, I have had a number of cavities and fillings in my teeth and at this moment, am missing a filling from the day I bought this salt water taffy and took my first luscious bite. I knew something was wrong when I got a crunch in the taffy and realized that part of my filling had been mixed into the taffy...arghhh. Right into the gift box because I couldn’t throw it away, and was unwilling to risk losing another filling - but knew that a time would come soon when I would find the right person to give this to....hmmmm, I have the gift now what is the opportunity?

Finding someone to give the taffy to would mean having to leave the house, and usually when I am in this kind of funk, I can avoid people since most of the work I do is from my home office...hmmm looks like I am going on a field trip, which also means I have to get dressed...argh again. Okay, I can do this. I have a gift, I am dressed and ready to leave the house...where am I going? I need to go to the Post Office and I usually run into people I know there, so away I go, no luck. Then I remember that there is a meeting taking place at the library that I could (should) be participating in, so off to the library. Indeed, the meeting is still occurring, the people at the meeting haven’t had morning treats yet and so I stop in, say hello and deliver morning treats. Giving opportunity done. Whew.

I realize that it was probably a good thing that I had to get dressed, leave my house and interact with people - but even more importantly, I was forced to think about someone other than myself and the funk is lifting. I remain with a broken heart, but some of the pressure has lifted by the simple action of giving. A simple gift, simply given...simply giving.

❦ Simply giving...

Day 82 ❦ More Thank Yous...and Gifts Come Pouring In

Day 82 ❦ More Thank Yous...and Gifts Come Pouring In

The Gift: More thank yous...

This morning I woke up stressed for the first time in a long time and I realized that it is because the days remaining in 100 Days of Giving is now reduced to a few weeks and I am looking ahead. I can’t actually remember a time when I wasn’t waking up with giving in my consciousness and am getting nervous about what happens next. I pull myself back to the present. I will have to worry about what happens after day 100 later, right now I have work to do and I haven’t got a clue what giving opportunity will present itself. And then day falls apart.

When the mail arrives I learn that I did not get the hoped position in Boulder and although I thought I was prepared for the news, I went into my dark place immediately. It had been such a perfect fit and if I couldn't get that kind of perfect job, was there anything out there for me??? It felt like all of the work that I had been accomplishing during the 100 Days of Giving vanished. Immediately. All of those negative messages that run in my head in the background came to the forefront and I couldn't stop it from happening. Several years ago, I wrote an essay titled “Blah, Blah, Blah” and it felt like that all over again. I didn't get the job, I was not good enough for them, and once again, I was the runner-up. That’s me - second chair. Never good enough.

And the world closes in around me - just like that. I find myself having to remind myself to breathe and I see all of the work I have been doing slipping away. Breathe, and breathe, and breathe.... When I open my eyes, what seems like years later, but in reality is only a few minutes I remember what a very good friend of mine once told me, “bad things happen all of the time and to everyone...it is how you handle those bad things that will determine your character and satisfaction in life.” Okay, breathe, I am in control of how I am going to bounce back from this disappointment. Actually disappointment does not even begin to come close to the right word. Catastrophe, devastation, grief, now those words begin to touch the surface about how I feel, but I will label them as a disappointment so that I can get myself out the door today.

And so, while World War III is happening in my heart, I find the strength to get dressed and ready to leave the house. You know that sarcastic phrase, “I am amazed that I got dressed by myself this morning...” well I am truly amazed that I am able to dress myself this morning. I have to keep reminding myself to breathe, breathe and breathe...this is not the way I saw things going today, I had so much to do, my lists were long and I was excited to go out and see what giving opportunity revealed itself today...and then the letter came and my brilliant future came to an immediate halt, breathe, breathe and breathe. And the messages roll in my head, I’m just not good enough, and on and on...

Maybe I don’t have to leave the house today and then I wouldn't have to wear my shame like a scarlet letter - I am certain that by this time a sign has been posted on my forehead that says LOSER and I am having trouble breathing again. Okay, settle down, and breathe...in and out. Staying home will not help the situation and so I muster the energy to find my keys and get in the car. In my brain I know that people can’t see the LOSER sign that is tattooed on my heart, but I am aware that my eyes are the window to my soul and they show nothing but resignation. I am checked out but force myself to keep moving, I have to do something, I have to accomplish something, I can’t sink into this entirely or else...or else what? No. I can’t go there, I have worked too hard to get to where I am and I need to accomplish something, anything.

It is early so I know that the grocery store will not be busy and usually offers many giving opportunities so I drive myself there, I can’t handle seeing a lot of people right now, breathe...in and out. Driving helps because the need to be alert behind the wheel kicks in and all of the negative self-talk has to take a back-burner. This is a good sign, because I have had days early on when I couldn't clear my head well enough to drive and ended up sitting in the driveway in my car for hours until giving up. Breathe.

Fortunately the grocery is only five minutes from my home and I am there before I can change my mind, it would be so easy to sink into this and stay at home, in bed, with the covers pulled over my head and hide from the world as those messages played through my head and I melt into the darkness - but I know that if I gave into that, my giving opportunities would go by the wayside and I have already used up my “mulligans” or “free-passes”. I have to find a giving opportunity. I have to concentrate on accomplishing that today. It has to be about getting outside of myself so that I don’t sink into the darkness. I have to think about someone else.
And of course, I walk into the grocery store and I know the first person I see, and the second and then the next. Now I live in a very small town and I do know a lot of people here, but this is not usual for this time in the morning and I am panicking. I don’t know how I am going to put on my “smile” and pretend like I am okay. And, much to my horror, not only are the people I know approaching me, but two other women I have never met are walking over to me too. Oh my gosh!!! Breathe, breath, breathe - in and out. Fortunately I am frozen or else I would have turned and run and while that would have made sense to me, it might have seemed rude to these five people who are now surrounding me.

Before I know it, one of the two women I don’t know is hugging me, not in the polite, “nice to see you, nice to meet you” manner, but in a full blown bear hug. And now I am wishing I had turned and run. This is not making sense, why are these people surrounding me? Why are they hugging and touching me? Surely these people know that I am worthless and have me mixed up for someone they know and appreciate.

I hear them speaking and one woman begins crying and I can’t figure out what is happening. Breathe, breathe, breathe. I find myself taking a HUGE and I mean HUGE breath and then hear myself saying, “Is everything okay? How can I help you?” and with those words, I am coming back into my skin, my brain is clearing and my heart has insulated itself from feeling anything and is focused on supplying my body with the blood it needs to remain conscious and breathing. I am returning to the present. I am in the grocery store, I am surrounded by a group of people, some of whom I know, others of whom I do not and I am breathing. I have asked a question actually two and the shock of hearing myself speak brings me back to the grocery store.

My questions surprise the group and I see them looking at each other with curious looks and before I can sink into thinking that they think I am crazy, they laugh, wipe away their tears and tell me that they are all neighbors from a flood ravaged area who yesterday received Rotary gift bags loaded with gift cards for this very grocery store and they were shopping together to purchase the food for a neighborhood celebration they decided to put together after receiving the goodie bags.

Their gratitude and appreciation filled their souls and overflowed, it filled the grocery store and seeped into my heart. These people were grateful and happy because of something that I had had a part in creating. These people had hope and something to look forward to as a result of my small contribution. These people had all lost everything, and I mean everything and yet they were throwing a celebration ignited by an idea I had. These people did not see me as a loser, they loved me. They cared that I cared. I had made an impact in their lives without knowing it.

 They had all figured out how to get up and out of bed despite their terrible loss, and today, I had played a role in this. How crazy is this? As all of these thoughts spun in my head - I realized that I had found my giving opportunity and just soaked it up. Today, I allowed the kindness, gratitude and thanks of others be a gift to myself.

❦ You may never know the impact of a thank you

Day 81 ❦ Giving Thanks is a Gift

Day 81 ❦ Giving Thanks is a Gift

This is an excerpt of a thank you letter that was distributed to the hundreds of people who helped make the distribution of Rotary goodie bags to flood victims such a success...the words in italics were authored by the recipients, the remaining parts of the letter were authored by me...

Members of Rotary District 5960, Thank you, thank you, thank you. When Rotarians from the flood stricken areas of southeastern Minnesota reached out for help – you rose to the challenge and impacted the lives of hundreds in our own backyard. As a result of your efforts - whether it was a Fast For Flood effort, direct contributions, volunteering for clean-up and demolition, or supporting the District Simplified Grant awarded – hundreds of people will hold in high esteem the thoughts and actions of Rotarians. In all, over $21,000 was raised and District 5960 Rotarians volunteered hundreds of hours toward clean-up efforts.

Rotary flood relief bags were distributed to 165 households by disaster relief workers in the most impacted areas of the flooding. Each Rotary bag included holiday ornaments, ornament hangers, candy canes, a card explaining Rotary and its mission and finally, $100 in local vendor gift cards as a token of recognition of the difficulty faced by all those impacted by the flood and the unique un-met needs of each household. Armed with the gift bags, relief workers hand-delivered each bag and were received with surprise, gratitude, tears, and deep appreciation. We have received 118 thank you letters so far. Here are some excerpts:

“I thank you for your thoughtfulness and assistance, God bless you”, “Everyone has been so kind. An experience like this is very humbling.”, “Thank you so much - who says there is no Santa Claus?”, “What an unexpected wonderful surprise. It brings tears of amazement/awe that we were blessed to receive these gifts. We lost so much – and to be thought of and receive of this, we are so thankful from the bottom of our hearts.”, “People like you continue to surprise me. It only goes to prove that there are many good people left in this world. Thank you for your generosity and remembering us. May the Lord bless you all.”, “I am just one gratitude filled recipient of a flood assistance bag you so kindly gathered and most appreciatively distributed. Its most meaningful motto – Service Above Self – says it all. Your collective unforgettable kindness encouraged me in multiple ways.”, “We would like to thank you for your efforts for the families effected by the floods. We were able to enjoy Christmas and not worry about how spending for Christmas dinner would effect our repairs.”,  “ Dear Rotary Members, This should be typed - my handwriting leaves a little to be desired, but I chose to write by hand to make my thank you as personal as the gift you gave me. I was amazed at the time of the flood by the display of care and support the community extended. Now to receive this wonderful gift confirms my faith that this is a season of hope. We are continuing to work on our home to restore it to the livable condition it was before the flood. To know you still think about all we have to still deal with is encouraging. THANK YOU”

Each Rotarian and Rotary club is dedicated to strengthening the local and world community by assessing human needs and implementing humanitarian projects. In all our work we respect the dignity of each person and the equality of all people. By making this $21,000 gift, Rotarians of District 5960 displayed the spirit of building goodwill and peace in our own backyard. Thank you.

Day 80 ❦ Give Intentionally, Thoughtfully and without Judgement

The goodie bags ready to go to
families impacted by the Austin floods

Day 80 ❦ Give Intentionally, Thoughtfully and without Judgement

The Gift: One hundred goodie bags loaded with gift cards and holiday/Christmas decorations

Yesterday, I described the origination of the idea about how I could do something that would provide relief to a group of people who were so hugely impacted by the flooding in my community. The grief-stricken student with whom I sat couldn't have been the only person who lost their holiday decorations. I brought the idea to my Rotary Club and District to give holiday gift bags to impacted people with a generous amount of decorations and gift cards so that they could really feel special for even a short time. An emergency humanitarian grant was approved with matching funds, for $18,000.

The Austin Rotary Club in cooperation with Rotary District 5960 and adjacent Rotary Clubs in Albert Lea and Owatonna raised additional funds and we ended up with a little over $21,000 to provide some much needed pre-holiday relief in goodie bags. With those funds we purchased Christmas ornaments, decorations and gift cards for food so that they could have a nice Thanksgiving dinner and then decorate their home. Included in each canvas bag was enough for people to really have a wonderful dinner and to be able to have some respite from their continuing nightmare. Working with disaster agencies we had learned that there were 100 families who were the most impacted and divided our resources accordingly.

I have included some of the pictures of the bags so that you can see the scope of the project. More importantly, we gave the bags without judgement, without criteria of financial need, income, social standing - simply triaged by impact of the flood.

Relief workers delivered all of the bags today and the giving impact hit. Gratitude, friendship and compassion began flowing. Tomorrow, I will dedicate the entire post to the thanks that were received to share the impact that this initiative had...and it all originated from the quiet moments sitting by the river bank...

What can you do, what can you dream up, what can you make happen...if you quietly listen and create spaces for people to share their hearts?

❦ Give without judgement

Some of the goodies that went into the bags

More goodies...

And even more...

The goodie bags being sorted for distribution

On their way...

Day 79 ❦ Take time today to just stop and listen.

Day 79 ❦ Give Time

The Gift: A listening ear

As I have been nearing the end of the one hundred days exercise, I am aware of the limited time remaining. Each day I wake up thinking about what I am going to do to fulfill the giving experience. And there is a sense of expectation that is part of that wake-up call. Today though, I know that the giving opportunities are about to flood in, literally.

Several weeks ago I talked about the impact of the floods that hit Austin and the overwhelming response that happened almost immediately. Emergency assistance poured in, friends and family along with complete strangers who became friends and family traveled to our community and helped empty houses, clean up the trash and disinfect houses that were still habitable. Now the next wave of assistance is starting to gear up and my Rotary Club and the District in which we are located is getting ready to make a huge impact.

The day the flood hit, people called and e-mailed me from all over the world. I didn't get the thoughts and notes for a few days because our electricity and services were turned off. When the lights came back on I was astounded by the well-wishes and people who sent me messages. And although my house was not impacted, the Sheriff was launching the rescue boats from my driveway. We sit on one of the few hills in town and we provided a landing pad for the people who were being evacuated, and days later as they went in to salvage anything they could from their homes across the street from us. I will never forget standing by the river side as the banks overflowed, just watching as the water rose, it was almost mesmerizing, we could see the water rising that quickly.

As I was standing there watching the water rise, a young woman came and silently stood next to me. After a long time of silence, she started talking to me and shared that across the street, covered in 5 feet of water was her ground floor apartment where she had just unloaded all of the gifts from a baby shower her friends had held for her last weekend. She was a college student and she was so worried about how she was going to replace all of her school books and recently completed homework and as she talked and started listing all of the things that she had just lost, she cried and sobbed and finally told me that she just realized that she had lost all of her Christmas decorations and she wept inconsolably. After a few more minutes she said that one of the things that kept her going through her pregnancy was the thought of sharing Christmas after the semester ended with her new baby and she cried and cried. I brought out a few chairs and lots of boxes of Kleenex and we sat there for what now seems like hours. And she cried and I listened, and we watched the water rise together.

While that was not the giving experience for today, I want to give space to her tears and her grief because it was that experience that inspired the next several days’ giving opportunities...and so for today, we will just all sit quietly on the banks of the river and listen...

❦ Take time today to just stop and listen.

Day 78 ❦ Sometimes Even a Small Gift Can Make Difference

Day 78 ❦ Sometimes Even a Small Gift Can Make Difference

The Gift: Personal Care Items for the Emergency Shelf

As you may have ascertained, I get to travel a lot. Often I have the privilege of traveling to crazy great places and have experiences with which I could fill books. But the fun and adventure comes at a price. There are always trade-offs right? The problem with traveling for work is that oftentimes, the trade-offs are not so apparent to someone who has just asked me where I have been lately. I am not going to spend any time listing the trade-offs for so many reasons, I just want there to be a stated awareness that the work that accompanies the travel can be difficult, draining and downright dirty.

I am fortunate that most of the times I am traveling for work I am staying in hotels - although the times I get to stay in people’s homes are special; hotels give me the respite that I need to recharge for another full-board day of work the next day. I will learn later in my life why I need that recharging time but for now, during this exercise, 100 Days of Giving,  I have not yet learned why I need my alone time so desperately. When I get back to my room I may just sit for an hour or so trying to clear my mind and refresh my thoughts for the next day. I always have visions of sitting and writing or reading, but the truth is that my brain is usually spent and even drawing a bath seems like it would take too much brain power.

Day 77 ❦ Give and be detached to outcome

Day 77 ❦ Give and be detached to outcome

The Gift: A donation of travel

During this time of transition for me, I have been actively seeking meaningful employment. I have been underemployed since moving from Boulder to Austin and while it is often okay for me to reconcile that fact with making a difference in my community as a “paid volunteer” I feel under-utilized. Much of my passion and energy is not being tapped in part because the organization for which I am working is not prepared, but there is also not an infrastructure to support my vision - so I bump up my less than meaningful work with my extensive volunteer work. It would be a dream of mine to find meaningful employment that used every part of my energy, passion, and knowledge and actually paid me a professional wage...ahhh...

While conducting my regular job search I found just such a job. It would be perfect not only for me, but I am perfect for them. The position would coordinate and organize volunteer medical service trips to developing countries - and the best part is that this job is a professional job within a health food manufacturer - so it really ties in many of my core values, philosophies and experience. Perfect!

I made it through the process and get an in-person interview. They flew me out to Boulder for several days of interviews and “get-to-know-you” receptions, meetings and meals. It was perfect, I have so many friends in Boulder and I was able to enjoy a few days with friends and a few days really grooving on the job. I can see myself in it, and I am getting pretty excited. It has been a long time since I have felt like I fit anywhere professionally.

I have to turn in my receipts for reimbursement for the interview expenses and make a decision to put my money where my mouth is and donate most of the travel expenses. I do this realizing that I might not get the job, but realize that I really like what they are doing and would like to be part of something important - that’s all, and if it can or can’t be as the Coordinator of this program, I can be part of in this small way. This feels really good and I am glad that this giving opportunity happened today.

❦ Give Detached to Outcome

Editors note: I did not get the job (second again...), but still smile as I think about making this donation, it is still the right thing to do for me.