Day 82 ❦ More Thank Yous...and Gifts Come Pouring In

Day 82 ❦ More Thank Yous...and Gifts Come Pouring In

The Gift: More thank yous...

This morning I woke up stressed for the first time in a long time and I realized that it is because the days remaining in 100 Days of Giving is now reduced to a few weeks and I am looking ahead. I can’t actually remember a time when I wasn’t waking up with giving in my consciousness and am getting nervous about what happens next. I pull myself back to the present. I will have to worry about what happens after day 100 later, right now I have work to do and I haven’t got a clue what giving opportunity will present itself. And then day falls apart.

When the mail arrives I learn that I did not get the hoped position in Boulder and although I thought I was prepared for the news, I went into my dark place immediately. It had been such a perfect fit and if I couldn't get that kind of perfect job, was there anything out there for me??? It felt like all of the work that I had been accomplishing during the 100 Days of Giving vanished. Immediately. All of those negative messages that run in my head in the background came to the forefront and I couldn't stop it from happening. Several years ago, I wrote an essay titled “Blah, Blah, Blah” and it felt like that all over again. I didn't get the job, I was not good enough for them, and once again, I was the runner-up. That’s me - second chair. Never good enough.

And the world closes in around me - just like that. I find myself having to remind myself to breathe and I see all of the work I have been doing slipping away. Breathe, and breathe, and breathe.... When I open my eyes, what seems like years later, but in reality is only a few minutes I remember what a very good friend of mine once told me, “bad things happen all of the time and to everyone...it is how you handle those bad things that will determine your character and satisfaction in life.” Okay, breathe, I am in control of how I am going to bounce back from this disappointment. Actually disappointment does not even begin to come close to the right word. Catastrophe, devastation, grief, now those words begin to touch the surface about how I feel, but I will label them as a disappointment so that I can get myself out the door today.

And so, while World War III is happening in my heart, I find the strength to get dressed and ready to leave the house. You know that sarcastic phrase, “I am amazed that I got dressed by myself this morning...” well I am truly amazed that I am able to dress myself this morning. I have to keep reminding myself to breathe, breathe and breathe...this is not the way I saw things going today, I had so much to do, my lists were long and I was excited to go out and see what giving opportunity revealed itself today...and then the letter came and my brilliant future came to an immediate halt, breathe, breathe and breathe. And the messages roll in my head, I’m just not good enough, and on and on...

Maybe I don’t have to leave the house today and then I wouldn't have to wear my shame like a scarlet letter - I am certain that by this time a sign has been posted on my forehead that says LOSER and I am having trouble breathing again. Okay, settle down, and breathe...in and out. Staying home will not help the situation and so I muster the energy to find my keys and get in the car. In my brain I know that people can’t see the LOSER sign that is tattooed on my heart, but I am aware that my eyes are the window to my soul and they show nothing but resignation. I am checked out but force myself to keep moving, I have to do something, I have to accomplish something, I can’t sink into this entirely or else...or else what? No. I can’t go there, I have worked too hard to get to where I am and I need to accomplish something, anything.

It is early so I know that the grocery store will not be busy and usually offers many giving opportunities so I drive myself there, I can’t handle seeing a lot of people right now, breathe...in and out. Driving helps because the need to be alert behind the wheel kicks in and all of the negative self-talk has to take a back-burner. This is a good sign, because I have had days early on when I couldn't clear my head well enough to drive and ended up sitting in the driveway in my car for hours until giving up. Breathe.

Fortunately the grocery is only five minutes from my home and I am there before I can change my mind, it would be so easy to sink into this and stay at home, in bed, with the covers pulled over my head and hide from the world as those messages played through my head and I melt into the darkness - but I know that if I gave into that, my giving opportunities would go by the wayside and I have already used up my “mulligans” or “free-passes”. I have to find a giving opportunity. I have to concentrate on accomplishing that today. It has to be about getting outside of myself so that I don’t sink into the darkness. I have to think about someone else.
And of course, I walk into the grocery store and I know the first person I see, and the second and then the next. Now I live in a very small town and I do know a lot of people here, but this is not usual for this time in the morning and I am panicking. I don’t know how I am going to put on my “smile” and pretend like I am okay. And, much to my horror, not only are the people I know approaching me, but two other women I have never met are walking over to me too. Oh my gosh!!! Breathe, breath, breathe - in and out. Fortunately I am frozen or else I would have turned and run and while that would have made sense to me, it might have seemed rude to these five people who are now surrounding me.

Before I know it, one of the two women I don’t know is hugging me, not in the polite, “nice to see you, nice to meet you” manner, but in a full blown bear hug. And now I am wishing I had turned and run. This is not making sense, why are these people surrounding me? Why are they hugging and touching me? Surely these people know that I am worthless and have me mixed up for someone they know and appreciate.

I hear them speaking and one woman begins crying and I can’t figure out what is happening. Breathe, breathe, breathe. I find myself taking a HUGE and I mean HUGE breath and then hear myself saying, “Is everything okay? How can I help you?” and with those words, I am coming back into my skin, my brain is clearing and my heart has insulated itself from feeling anything and is focused on supplying my body with the blood it needs to remain conscious and breathing. I am returning to the present. I am in the grocery store, I am surrounded by a group of people, some of whom I know, others of whom I do not and I am breathing. I have asked a question actually two and the shock of hearing myself speak brings me back to the grocery store.

My questions surprise the group and I see them looking at each other with curious looks and before I can sink into thinking that they think I am crazy, they laugh, wipe away their tears and tell me that they are all neighbors from a flood ravaged area who yesterday received Rotary gift bags loaded with gift cards for this very grocery store and they were shopping together to purchase the food for a neighborhood celebration they decided to put together after receiving the goodie bags.

Their gratitude and appreciation filled their souls and overflowed, it filled the grocery store and seeped into my heart. These people were grateful and happy because of something that I had had a part in creating. These people had hope and something to look forward to as a result of my small contribution. These people had all lost everything, and I mean everything and yet they were throwing a celebration ignited by an idea I had. These people did not see me as a loser, they loved me. They cared that I cared. I had made an impact in their lives without knowing it.

 They had all figured out how to get up and out of bed despite their terrible loss, and today, I had played a role in this. How crazy is this? As all of these thoughts spun in my head - I realized that I had found my giving opportunity and just soaked it up. Today, I allowed the kindness, gratitude and thanks of others be a gift to myself.

❦ You may never know the impact of a thank you